threshold (n) – the magnitude or intensity that must be exceeded for a certain reaction, phenomenon, result, or condition to occur or be manifested.

Let’s set the scene:

It was 11:15 pm on a crisp November night.  My body was aching, but the heartache I felt was much more intense.  As I lay in my bed, exhausted from simply existing, my eyes welled up with tears. I could barely recognize myself on the outside and my inside appeared rather grim. It’s a scary feeling to be unrecognizable, not only when you look in the mirror, but before you even open your eyes in the morning.  My heart, a secret garden were a once vibrant, wide-eyed dreamer had dwelt, was seemingly overgrown with weeds.  Ugly, thorn laden weeds.

How did I end up here?

Who had I become?

I was on the verge of locking the door and burying the key.  Left alone to waste away in my garden of thorns.  Waiting to dry up like the forgotten succulents I bought for my first apartment.  Somewhere deep inside, I believed I still had beauty, but how could it be salvaged when surrounded by so much unsightliness?

I felt hopeless and helpless. Who I was didn’t match who I wanted to be.  It felt as though I had to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, when, in reality, it was the weight of my poor health that was crushing my 5’1 frame.

 I was tired.

I was tired of lying to myself and to others, pretending to be okay, when I so visibly, was not.  I was tired of hurting my body, when others hurt my heart.

I was tired of living, but I was painfully afraid to die.

For nearly ten years, I had struggled with my eating habits. From restricting calories to an unfathomable amount, to binging with food like an alcoholic with liquor, I had danced on both ends of the terrifying teeter totter of my relationship with food and I was done.  I desperately desired to once again find the fulcrum, a place to rest and catch my breath.

I had reached my threshold of heartache.  I had given up.

So through my sobs, as I sank further into my bed, I called out to the Lord and said “Lord, I’m begging You to save me, because I can’t overcome this on my own.”

And He did.

And He continues to save me each and every day as I struggle through this journey.  Without His strength, I was too weak to fight this battle.  Without His love, I was too hateful to do this for me. I now can see what He has always known:  I am a girl, who by the grace of God, is capable of overcoming the insurmountable.

So here I am nearly three months after that fateful night, when I threw in the towel and trusted God with a part of me I had tried to control for so long. I am down 32 pounds from my highest weight and for the first time in a very long time I truly feel like I am on the right track.

Until next time, I’ll leave you with this:

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

AND SO CAN YOU!

-Amber